"...the power is not mine. It is granted to me by the angel Valtiel, for a sacred task." A task that involved a lot of murder. He was both in control and completely out of control in his duty as the Conjurer, and it was something he couldn't escape. His feelings didn't matter.

His feelings didn't matter. "It doesn't matter what I feel, or if I like it. I am alive. I cannot die here, so that will not change. Until, I am returned to my worlds."